Hello fiends! As I sit here and write this blog entry, I am quite conflicted. If you know me even a little, then you have probably wondered what in the world happened to me in regards to Facebook. Maybe you thought I deleted you, or worse, deleted you and blocked you from my FB page. The truth is, my family was in crisis the month of April. Like, true, scary, phone calls to divorce attys, and much more. It was BY FAR the WORSE month of my life. My husband was done, and I watched my "perfect, and pretty picture" smash into a million pieces, and there was nothing I could do about it. For the fisrt time in my marriage, I was scared to death. I was slapped in the face(hard) with my selfishness in regards to not only Mike, but to my children. It was a very ugly picture that I was left with. But, what to do? I had to fight. I had to fight even when he was being so cruel to me out of his own hurt. Pinot Grigio had to go, and even harder than that, FB had to go. I had to find new coping mechanisms. I started seeing a counselor. I had to endure times that were awful. I prayed. And prayed. I had to discover that 30, I have no clue who I really am. April showers bring May flowers, and the Ford family is testiment to that. Mike and I are out of crisis, and I have developed so much understanding and growth over the past month. One word that keep coming to me in April was the word "submit. "I didnt really understand it, but I found that I was doing it nonetheless. I know that God only tests His soliders, and while I know that He has taught me(THE HARD WAY EVERY TIME...)many lessons. I have grown from each of them, and every time I go through one, I worry that I can't handle much more. Yet, I do. Now that Mike and I are out of the "crisis," I am conflicted a little, because I am not feeling that this is where this lesson ends. I feel like Proverbs 31 is weighing on me. I am not a bible expert, but I know about Proverbs 31. I also know that I am quite possibly the FURTHEST thing from a virtuous wife. Still, I feel as though I am being called. I am dragging my feet a tad, but I am hopeful nonetheless.
Stay tuned for the journey.
So, today has not been my favorite. I am, by nature a "worsecasesenerio kinda stresser." I think I do this because, I feel in some way I will be "more/better" prepared. One would think that by 30 I could "get" that this is not only NOT the way to be, but I end up wasting so much energy thinking and stressing about some made up situation , and even if the the situation becomes reality...I cant change it! Control freak much? ((sigh))
EVERYTHING that has happened in my life has taught me NOT to stress the small stuff, and yet I still struggle with it from time to time. I came across this picture/quote and I was instantly at peace...kinda like a small, supportive slap, errr reminder from Him that I need to STOP, and just be STILL.
I am SO amazed by His ability, and His love, and His lessons, and just Him.
And then I am reminded to look around, and remember that He is control.
Blessed, and thankful that He is still working on me.
WHAT a past 5 years this has been!!!! We've had our incredible UPS, and we have had some dramatic and life changing downs. Through it all, he's still here. To cheer with me, to laugh with me, to cry with me and to mourn with me. It's an adventure EVERYDAY, and one that I would not trust anyone else to go on with me, but him. He makes me crazy, yet no one knows my inner, personal side but him, and yet he's still here.
My sweet, sensitive, loving, MAMA's boy is turning into a BOY. It's true. I am not quite prepared for it. I am used to him always wanting/needing ME, and lately he has been latching on to Mike. Now, I KNOW this is normal, and what is supposed to happen, but it still hurts my heart a tad. He no longer wants to talk about "stuff" with me. He tells me I'm embarrassing him(UMMM, I am the COOLEST mom/chick IN the world, DUH), and turns red, and shuts down when I ask him anything in certain subjects(GIRLS, etc...).
He has also developed a "new" love for hunting, and JUMPS at any chance he gets to go with Mike. This makes my heart happy, and love that my boys are bonding. Although, I'm not sure how much hunting Colby is doing, I think it's more the "guy" talk time they get.
Thankfully, Mike fills me in on what's going on in my baby's life(which he makes me swear with my life that I will not say a word to Colby), so I stay informed...kind of
I find it quite interesting that I'm always pulled back to blogging when I am going through some type of "struggle."
I suppose it has to do with all this "stuff" that is weighing on me, and blogging is a type of release for me. WHAT a roller coaster the past couple of months have been!! Still, I find myself at peace with it all, and know that the good Lord has put me on this journey, because he wants me on it.
I am the wife of the most AMAZING police Sgt. IN the world. I am the mommy of the most AMAZING kids. Colby is 10 and Kinsley is 3. I spend my days as a school nurse, and I am BLESSED by sweet doodles daily. I get to be called friend to the most AMAZING women. In the world. Who is blessed? THIS GIRL:)