Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Out of the black hole, back into the Pink one


So last week just for lack of better words...SUCKED. I shut down...Completely shut down for a day. What a wasted day. I hate being like that. It's not me. I mean...It can be me, if I let it. I choose not to let it. I was not a motivator for my friends, I was not available for my husband or my kids. I was selfish. I chose to have a pity party, and cry. A Lot. I don't enjoy that side of me, but she visits ever so often. I am blessed. Truly blessed. Last week I forgot that. My purpose of this post is to remind me when I get down. To stop. Look around. Remember what I have, and forget about what I don't have. I know there are moms out there that would just almost give anything to stay home with their children, and while I can NOT guarentee that I will LOVE it everyday, I am making every effort to not dwell on what I "could" be doing, and try to focus more on what I CAN do while I am home.

1) Mike is completely drained when he gets home. I mean, he can barely talk because he is so "talked" out. This really has a tendency to frustrate the FIRE outta me. I want to talk... So he has started coming home and going straight to the shower. He uses that time to unwind, and de-program himself. If I worked, I would feel the same way, and I would not want to talk either, and then no one would be talking...except the kids...to each other. That is not good.

2) The house pretty much stays clean...I am not saying its spotless, BUT I have less than 3 loads of laundry that needs to be done at a time...If you know me super well, then you know that I am more the type to have laundry moutains...And then I get so overwhelmed I just stare at it...And then my husband finally has enough and it causes a fight, and then I spend the next day trying to catch up...This doesn't happen now that I am home. I am thankful for one less fight.

3)I am able to meet friends for lunch, or go to the grocery store when there are not 5 million people there. That is very nice.

4) I can take a nap...its true

I can give all my energy to my family, but I have to choose to not be bitter about it. Perhaps Kinsley needs a mother day out program...Perhaps I need to join a moms group...Honestly...I think it all boils down to how I feel about MYSELF...Isn't that dumb?! Ha! I mean I think If I felt better about my weight, hair, nails, clothes,(I mean it can go on and on...) then I would be more content in other areas... Perhaps bootcamp is NOT such a bad idea after all... I mean who wants to join a moms group, or even go out in public when your stupid clothes don't fit? Call me vain, but I do NOT.

I certainly am not fully into my pink hole, and I am not out of my black hole completely....BUT the hole I am in is starting to lighten up, and hey that's a start! I am still trying to find my purpose, but I HAVE TO REMEMBER TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!! :)

Love you sweet friends!!!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Off my chest.

I have typed, and then re-typed this post at least 5 times. I can't get my words out the way, I want, so I just get more fussy about it. But I will try to tell you whats on my mind in a list. Perhaps that will be easier.

1) I HATE humble pie. It would appear that every time I think I have my fabby little life all figured out, God smiles, and then makes me eat a big helping of humble pie. I would appear that He has NOTHING better to do, than to teach me lessons, or make me eat pie I hate.

2)Today I think being a stay-at-home mom is the worst job ever! I mean, its not like I am teaching her 5 different languages. In fact, some days we just tolerate each other.

3)Today my husband is NOT my BFF.

4)I honestly don't know how I would function with out my friends. They ensure that I don't get lost in my own misery. I would be lost with out them, and one of my closest, most precious friends is one that I haven't even hugged in person. MAY OH MAY

5) If you ask someone if they want to come back to work, and they say yes, and send you their resume, its only polite to keep in contact with them in ONE way or another.

6) Boot camp starts on Monday. Ick

7) My son is brilliant, and I am very worried that I am not doing enough to channel his gifts. It is something that bothers me constantly. I assure you, there is nothing worse than your child being smarter than you. Promise.

8) I wish I had a clear purpose in life, something for me. I am lost in all of my hats, and none of them are bringing me any type of joy. I want to throw my wife hat at my husband today, my mom hat is fine, but I'm getting lost in trying to figure out what day it is, because, really, they are all the same. I miss my nursing hat, but don't ever want to put more time and energy into an outside source like I did previously. I want my Mindy hat back!!!!!!!

9) I want my neighbor to rot in jail, or at least a different zip code.

I hate feeling like this, because, the happy, perky, fun Mindy is WAY more fabulous, but today I am really struggling with the thought of Is she even real, or just a figment of my imagination? A show, for others. I am not sure today.